denieksioglu

major mommy meltdown…

so last week i lost it. no, really. i really 100% lost it. household objects were broken, there were a lot of tears, curse words flew like arrows and anger and frustration erupted

from every part of my being.

it was a stunning display of unregulated emotion. but i was, at that moment, incapable of any type of reasonable regulation.

i wish i could say there was a specific issue or event that set my major mommy meltdown in motion. but there wasn’t. it was just a ton of pent up feelings all colliding together.

self-isolation, or sheltering in place, or quarantine- however you would like to describe it- is really, really tough. this is truly a to each their own situation. i KNOW our position is better than that of many- in turkey, for sure, and abroad for sure too. but it doesn’t make it less hard.

and; this is not where any of us thought we would be right now. (literally we were supposed to be in miami for our nephew’s graduation!). so, as lovely as slowing down has been, it was unexpected, and we were unprepared.

my meltdown had a lot to do with setting good boundaries; or rather my lack of ability to do so.

boundary setting has always been one of my biggest struggles… i’ve always been an overly empathic person; getting married right after college, having children early on, and adjusting to life in a new city all just increased my hyper-awareness of others and their needs.

back in the “old days”; “normal times”- pre coronavirus- i had a system.

i gave everyone who needed something from me all that they required- constantly. but then they would all go off to work or to school and i would recoup. i could be quiet and calm and recharge my batteries by reading or doing yoga or just sitting.

but now there is no real downtime. we are all together all the time in a single space. frustrations, disappointments, irritations and excitement, elation, and pleasure too are all happening all the time. these are big emotions and they are now swirling around me all the time, often unchecked, and often with little chance for me to recover.

last week it all came to a head. too many questions, too little compassion, and just too much overall; i was overwhelmed, and i snapped.

the next day i was exhausted. all those emotions that had come rushing out had taken their toll. but i sat down with my family and together talked- a lot- about how we were all feeling. about how best to regulate some of our feelings. about trying to remember each other’s needs a bit better, and more often. it felt really, really good.

and as a wise woman reminded me later, this is it. this is life. and this is family. it has sharp edges and soft curves. it is a series of small adjustments and tiny shifts that come together to create an imperfect balance. a balance that frequently requires re-examining and new approaches. there is no “perfect formula”; there is loving and listening and caring enough to change- even just a little bit- in order to keep the beautifully imperfect flow; flowing.

our last family trip before the coronavirus pandemic began in full force was to south africa…

cinnamon bun heaven…

we are having a crazy day here at our house!

we have yet another LONG weekend lockdown (this time four full days); there is a mini-heat wave happening; supposed to be a pesticide spray happening in our neighborhood (so all our windows are closed and we are boiling); we spent 30 minutes chasing the chickens around to get them cooped up before the spraying started (it still hasn’t!); and the electricity just went out. everything already felt a little surreal when we woke up this morning but now all this is just really a bit extra.

so, our usual saturday live cooking session has been postponed. but we didn’t want to leave you all hanging on a saturday!

so, here is a fantastic recipe for cinnamon buns that we first made last summer on vacation… it is relatively easy, just be sure to plan for some time to allow the dough to rise 🙂

ingredients-

for the rolls-

2 cups milk
6 tablespoons butter + some for greasing your pan
1 package instant yeast- mix with small amount of warm water allow to sit 10 minutes
2 tablespoons sugar
¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
4 cups gluten free flour (regular flour works too if you’d prefer)

for the filling-

¼ cup butter
½ cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons cinnamon

for the glaze (completely optional)-

1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 tablespoon milk

instructions-

preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius
grease a baking dish with butter
melt 6 tablespoons butter and mix in milk
add in yeast, sugar, salt and vanilla extract, mix well and allow to rest for 2 minutes
slowly combine flour and wet ingredients – mixing well between each addition
add flour until dough if formed- you might need a little more or less that 4 full cups
knead the dough slightly then form into a ball
cover with a dish towel and allow to rise for 1 hour
meanwhile mix brown sugar and cinnamon together and allow ¼ cup butter to soften
after an hour, sprinkle a clean work surface with flour and roll out dough
dough should be about 1.5 centimeters thick- cut edges so dough is straight
spread soft butter all over your dough and then sprinkle on the cinnamon mixture
roll the dough into one large roll and then slice into 2-centimeter-wide rolls
place in baking dish with each roll touching each other
bake in oven for about 20-25 minutes- check to make sure they are baked through
make glaze by mixing powdered sugar and milk- mix well
pour over warm buns
serve immediately with a cup of tea and enjoy!

this recipe was adapted from “she likes food”

sole simplified…

our latest fish at home meal was another great success!!

…and we managed to use up some of the freezer food to boot!

sole meuniere has always been one of erim’s all-time favorite dishes to order. the girls like it too; i mean really, what’s not to like- delicious fish and a ton of butter 🙂

but cooking a traditional sole meuniere at home has always felt a little daunting, a little decadent.

so, i started digging around to find a version that might be even just a little bit lighter; both in terms of process and product. this simplified oven version turned out to be perfect. it was also a huge relief to be prepping the fish for the oven since i also realized that i didn’t have a skillet large enough to hold the whole fish- so the classical stovetop version would have literally been impossible.

you only need a few basic ingredients and the cooking time is short too. we also made a lovely green salad, some roasted new potatoes, and some fresh grilled baby zucchinis for a simple, satisfying spring dinner…

ingredients-

2 dover sole fillets (feeds 2-4 people depending on age and size)
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons butter
sea salt and ground black pepper to taste
1 lemon, sliced into thin rounds

instructions-

preheat oven to 180 degress celsius
line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper
place clean fillets onto baking sheet
season with salt and pepper to taste
sprinkle chopped parsley and small pats of butter on top of fish
place 2-3 lemon slices on top of each fillet
squeeze juice of any remaining lemon slices onto fish
bake for 10-12 minutes- fish should be light and flaky
transfer to serving dish and serve immediately

this recipe was adapted from andrea beaman’s life is delicious

craving caramel…

as a result of the coronavirus pandemic and our recent self-isolation we have discovered that pretty much everyone in our house (with the exception of erim) absolutely ADORES popcorn!

we started out making it once or twice a week on movie nights as a treat. at that time we were using a neat air popper i purchased a couple of years ago. then we perfected making it with olive oil and sea salt on the stovetop- delicious. this caused our popcorn consumption to skyrocket and become a daily thing.

i frequently added copious amounts of ground curry, cumin and turmeric to my share; which i have to tell all you spice lovers, is a wonderful way to eat popcorn.

and then this week, as part of our “enjoy what we have challenge” we decided to attempt caramel popcorn. i have to admit i really thought this was going to be a major flop… i was WRONG!!

this recipe is super simple, it didn’t take us too much longer than our usual popcorn time, and we even ended up with a little leftover caramel for dipping apple slices the next afternoon.

so if you, like us, are craving caramel… we highly recommend this popcorn. but i will warn you, it is truly addictive!

ingredients-

a big bowl of air popped popcorn (made from about 1 cup unpopped kernels)

1 cup unsalted butter

2 cups brown sugar

2/3 cups heavy cream

instructions-

preheat oven to 150 degrees celsius

line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper

pop popcorn and spread on baking sheet in an even layer

in a medium saucepan melt butter over medium heat

add brown sugar and cream- whisking constantly until all ingredients are combined

bring to a boil and boil for 5 minutes- stirring continually

remove from heat and allow to cool for 5 minutes

pour over popcorn and mix well

place in oven for 10 minutes or longer depending on how crunchy you like your popcorn

remove from oven, mix well and allow to cool for at least 5 minutes

good movie, glass of wine… sit down and enjoy while fresh!

how to eat your (spring) veggies…

day one of our finish what we have challenge… we found a great way to use up some veggies and some eggs too. matched with a salad and some leftover cornbread- it was a perfect meal!

frittatas (think quiche without the crust) have been a springtime staple at our house for years!

easy to prepare, beautiful to look at, and delicious to eat; they have been on the menu for every easter brunch, and most mother’s day breakfasts as well. spring vegetables compliment the egg base perfectly and i love the way the bright green colors sort of pop out when the dish is cooked.

these days we have been making a frittata (similar to a spanish omelet) at least once a week. served with a soup or salad it is a complete meal; and i find that it is equally delicious served warm or at room temperature…

ingredients-

6 organic eggs
1 bunch fresh asparagus-thinly sliced
1 medium red onion-chopped
5 big handfuls chopped greens (we used beet greens this week)
salt and pepper to taste
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup grated cheese (optional)

instructions-

preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius
heat olive oil in a large cast iron skillet
whisk together eggs in a separate bowl- season as desired
add onions and sauté- stirring occassionally- until translucent
add remaining veggies-stir until combined
pour in egg mixture (and cheese if you are using it)
cook over medium heat for 5-6 minutes
place skillet in oven and bake until fully set- approximately 15 minutes

serve with a green salad or soup for a beautiful springy meal

a little challenge…

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE this week we have a little challenge for you… with all the cooking going on at home- three meals a day, (and some snacks too) everyday, is a lot! add to this the nervous grocery shopping that seems to happen each week before the weekend lockdown; we have found ourselves with too much food! and as more and more people are affected by the pandemic globally, it is a hard truth that while we find ourselves with too much; there are SO many people who find themselves with not nearly enough. according to the world food program, a united nations agency, disruptions in the food supply chain, decreases in donations to food aid programs, and school closures could cause the global number of people facing acute hunger to double this year. this would mean that up to 265 million people could be in danger of being malnourished, or worse starvation. around the world, the repercussions of these changes, coupled with strict lockdowns in many countries such as india and kenya, have made finding healthy, nourishing food extremely difficult for at-risk groups. and, as a result of school closures an estimated 368 million children have lost the nutritious snacks and meals they normally receive; creating a significant risk of underdevelopment and other growth issues. with all this in mind; and looking at the abundance that we are so privileged to have, we have started a little challenge for ourselves. this week, with the exception of fresh vegetables and fruits sent from a local farm, we will not buy anything new. no new bread- if we run out we can try baking our own. no new sweets- we will bake, or just skip the cookies this week. if someone doesn’t like the kind cheese we have left- that’s ok, we can make hummus or try something new. no new drinks or juices- we’ll finish what we have. no more meat- if we finish what’s in the freezer then we can have a couple of vegan days too. we have plenty. And focusing on what we have rather than what we don’t have seems like a pretty good plan these days… so feel free to follow along- and join us too! i’ll be posting a daily picture of our fridge as it empties out, and sharing more recipes too as we go through the week; stay tuned 

PS: this recent article from new York times explains the global situation in a very clear, child appropriate manner… you can find it here

a little peanut butter connection…

the other day alegra and i made peanut butter cookies and read some great bedtime books on instagram…

live instagram, facetime, houseparty, zoom… these have all be hugely important tools for us during these times of self-isolation and social distancing. honestly, if you had told me two months ago i would be doing at least one live video on instagram every day i would have thought that you had lost your mind!

i am actually terribly shy and really pretty self-conscious too; so the idea of being live daily in front of an audience, even a virtual one, would have been something hard for me to believe.

but i have to say that i am enjoying it immensely. i have reconnected with a lot of old friends and their children, students from my lola days have been hugely supportive, and new followers have found us too!

here is the recipe for the cookies, it is a basic peanut butter cookie recipe that is pretty much foolproof… feel free to add in the chocolate chips at the end like alegra did, or use chunky peanut butter instead of smooth. i am thinking about trying almond butter next time to see how that works- i will keep you posted!

ingredients-

1 cup organic peanut butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 large organic egg (or 1 flax egg)
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
optional add ins- chocolate chips, raisins, shredded coconut

instructions-

preheat oven to 200 degrees celsius
line a baking sheet with parchment paper
mix all ingredients together- adding in extras if you want
form dough into small round balls and place on baking sheet
cook for 5 minutes and make cross shapes using the back of a fork
cook for another 7-8 minutes depending on how crumbly you like your cookies- (cook shorter for chewier cookies)
remove from oven and cool for 5 minutes of baking sheet before transferring to cooling rack

serve with milk or tea for a perfect afternoon snack!!

choices must be made…

last night, as part of its plan to slowly reopen metropolitan life and the national economy, the turkish government announced a handful of changes to current co-vid 19 restrictions.

next week, young people get to leave their homes for the first time in nearly two months. so do older citizens; those over the age of 65. each group gets separate days. hairdressers, barber shops and malls can all open their doors again on monday- but must follow strict social distancing and sanitization procedures.

it makes me nervous.

but i can understand that people need to get out of their houses. not just because so many residents of istanbul have been cooped up in small, crowded apartments for the past two months and need the psychological relief of getting out; but also, because people must go back to work and make money. the turkish economy did not enter the global pandemic in a particularly strong position and there are so many people who need to reestablish actual incomes to meet their basic needs.

it is scary to be thinking about all these spaces reopening. it worries me, the thought of people being out and about again. i don’t like this path to reopening because it leaves a lot of grey area. there will be choices to be made now. i liked the clear mandates; the government telling me what i can and cannot do. where and how i can go.

i admit, fully, that my privilege allows me this luxury.

i have a large, comfortable home; plenty of good fresh food; enough money saved to weather this storm; a private outdoor space that my family can use freely; the girls’ e-learning is just fine, they are busy and engaged; my parents, and erim’s, are all safe and healthy and we can see them- from a safely masked distance- at least once a week; and we have learned how to connect virtually with loved ones who are further away.

having all three girls at home all the time has been, for me, heavenly. i thrive on being a mother and my family all together fills my heart. with no formal school or afterschool activities to rush off to we have had time to eat long meals, cook, do yoga, take walks, watch movies and pop popcorn slowly- the old-fashioned way.

i have been happy to stay at home, to enjoy my people, and to slow down.

but now, with no clear understanding of how it will work, we are being allowed – kind of—to speed up. and with that comes choices…

some decisions seem easy, and probably will be, for many of us. having gotten the hang of online shopping; i won’t be going into a mall anytime soon. so many of our favorite restaurants are now offering takeout or delivery options, so no need to risk that. and schools will certainly be closed through may.

but what about socializing? if we can go to a mall can we go sit on a friend’s front porch? our nephew was supposed to graduate from college this weekend; can we raise a glass of champagne to his success? should i bring my own glass? decisions and choices must be made…

and the biggest, probably most difficult of these, involves my children. on their day of “freedom” (4 hours next friday) can they see their friends? how safe will that be?

i trust my girls. they are intelligent, worldly, understanding children. they fully grasp the potential danger of this disease- if not to themselves directly, then to their loved ones. but they are also human. And i get it. it is amazing that we can connect virtually, but i really want a hug too. leaning, literally, physically, on a friend is irreplaceable. we are naturally social creatures. we thrive in close knit communities. we need it. And oh, have we missed it!

so here comes the hard part.

i knew it was coming. i was dreading it. the choices. each of us will have to weather the storm of the coming weeks and months in our own way. in ways that feel “ok” to us. but i know that saying “no” when other parents say “yes”- staying in while others go out- is going to be hard. and so, starting next week, we’ll do our best to weigh our options, cross our fingers and continue to take each day as it comes.

hummus cocktails and sunday lunches…

sunday lunch has become one of the major highlights of our self-isolation…we get to sit around and chat and just really relax…

the girls all have midday lessons on sunday, i get to take a nice long shower (and actually wash my hair properly!), and erim does his sunday yoga session… and then we have a late, long lunch. no matter how agitated we all seem to be by the time we sit down to eat, by the time lunch is finished we have delved into any number of deeper issues- talked about some hard truths- or made some decisions that might have been unexpected.

this week alegra proposed a little pre-lunch cooking…

our brand new food processor has been hugely inspirational and so once lessons and showers and all the rest were finished we got to work! here are the ingredients and some instructions- our “cocktails” were perfect and we hope yours are too 🙂

ingredients-

1.5 cups boiled chickpeas (save ½ cup water for later)
½ cup tahini
3 tablespoons olive oil
juice of 2 lemons
2 cloves garlic
4 tablespoons ground cumin
salt and pepper to taste
a bunch of your favorite dipping veggies-thinly sliced

instructions-

blend garlic and lemon juice in food processor- let rest for 3-5 minutes
add chickpea and cooking water and blend until creamy
add tahini and olive oil and blend well
season with cumin, salt and pepper as desired
add extra lemon juice, olive oil and tahini to taste (I LOVE a little extra tahini!)
place 3 generous scoops of hummus in a wine or cocktail glass
garnish with sliced veggies and enjoy!!!

fuss-free fish dinner

so, this was one of our best self-isolation meals yet!

our fish dinner this week is based on a loose interpretation of my paternal grandmother’s favorite method of preparing a smell-free, hassle-free fish dinner.

when i was growing up, cooking fish at home in istanbul was something my grandmother never really loved to do. at the time, refrigeration options were less advanced and less available, so the fish sold at the fish monger was generally fresh off the boat. most of the fish native to the seas near istanbul taste best either grilled (hard to do in a small apartment with a tiny balcony- and remember no gas grills back then either) or deep fried. while deep frying was an option it was smelly and, honestly, generally ended up making a pretty big mess in the kitchen.

and so, my grandmother perfected the art of fish in the oven!

fresh fillets of white fish are cooked together with potatoes, onions and tomatoes making the dish a whole meal in and of itself… pair it with a fresh green salad and maybe a glass of wine and, voila! dinner is served 🙂

ingredients-

3 medium sized potatoes-peeled and sliced in thin rounds
3 green peppers-sliced in rounds
1 large onion-also sliced in rounds
2 cloves garlic-chopped
3 tomatoes-chopped
ample parsley
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons olive oil
6 medium sized fillets of white fish
- we used a fish called “mezgit”; “whiting” in english it is from the cod family

instructions-

preheat oven to 200 degrees celsius
spread olive oil in the bottom of a shallow oven proof baking dish
layer potatoes, peppers, onions, garlic and fish in the dish
spread tomatoes on top of layers and garnish with parsley
season as desired with salt, pepper and even a little red pepper
bake for 20 minutes or until potatoes are soft
serve immediately

there is a turkih saying that “after fish one should eat something sweet”… i don’t know where it comes from or if there is a truth to it (turks also say that one should never eat fish and yogurt together which makes plenty of sense from a spoilability perspective!)

but i like the eating sweet saying so we almost always have dessert on fish days… this week we made a vegan chocolate sorbet that was delicious! you can find the recipe here.