so last week i lost it. no, really. i really 100% lost it. household objects were broken, there were a lot of tears, curse words flew like arrows and anger and frustration erupted
from every part of my being.
it was a stunning display of unregulated emotion. but i was, at that moment, incapable of any type of reasonable regulation.
i wish i could say there was a specific issue or event that set my major mommy meltdown in motion. but there wasn’t. it was just a ton of pent up feelings all colliding together.
self-isolation, or sheltering in place, or quarantine- however you would like to describe it- is really, really tough. this is truly a to each their own situation. i KNOW our position is better than that of many- in turkey, for sure, and abroad for sure too. but it doesn’t make it less hard.
and; this is not where any of us thought we would be right now. (literally we were supposed to be in miami for our nephew’s graduation!). so, as lovely as slowing down has been, it was unexpected, and we were unprepared.
my meltdown had a lot to do with setting good boundaries; or rather my lack of ability to do so.
boundary setting has always been one of my biggest struggles… i’ve always been an overly empathic person; getting married right after college, having children early on, and adjusting to life in a new city all just increased my hyper-awareness of others and their needs.
back in the “old days”; “normal times”- pre coronavirus- i had a system.
i gave everyone who needed something from me all that they required- constantly. but then they would all go off to work or to school and i would recoup. i could be quiet and calm and recharge my batteries by reading or doing yoga or just sitting.
but now there is no real downtime. we are all together all the time in a single space. frustrations, disappointments, irritations and excitement, elation, and pleasure too are all happening all the time. these are big emotions and they are now swirling around me all the time, often unchecked, and often with little chance for me to recover.
last week it all came to a head. too many questions, too little compassion, and just too much overall; i was overwhelmed, and i snapped.
the next day i was exhausted. all those emotions that had come rushing out had taken their toll. but i sat down with my family and together talked- a lot- about how we were all feeling. about how best to regulate some of our feelings. about trying to remember each other’s needs a bit better, and more often. it felt really, really good.
and as a wise woman reminded me later, this is it. this is life. and this is family. it has sharp edges and soft curves. it is a series of small adjustments and tiny shifts that come together to create an imperfect balance. a balance that frequently requires re-examining and new approaches. there is no “perfect formula”; there is loving and listening and caring enough to change- even just a little bit- in order to keep the beautifully imperfect flow; flowing.